Here at GetPhound, we’ve done something incredible. No, I’m not talking about helping several hundred businesses improve their online presence. I’m talking about our ambitious collection of coffeemakers.

We’re not sure how it happened. It started with just the standard drip machine, then we added a Keurig, and before we knew it we’d added even more gizmos. It’s a bit much, given the size of our break room (small) and the size of our team (eight).

But in celebration of #NationalCoffeeDay, we thought it’d be fun to do a rundown of the machines we’ve collected, each with the same exact purpose of caffeinating water. Here it goes!

It’s about the size of a small washing machine. This thing never had a chance, forgotten the moment we hauled in the Keurig. It sits in our closet, probably feeling the way the toys in Toy Story felt when Andy went off to college. Anyone need a drip coffee machine?

You’re not officially an office until you have one of these, along with the Christmas tree contraption for storing the cups. (Ours spins around like a rack of greeting cards.)

Our K-cups aren’t much for diversity. In fact, we’re in an exclusive relationship with the Donut Shop, though I’m not entirely sure who drinks this coffee. Must be one of those sneaky caffeinators in web development.

I, for one, was very excited when this newfangled machine arrived, bright with the promise of infusing individual cups of coffee with foam. Foam is fun, in case you didn’t know. It makes things automatically better.

While all of us (except Emily, who doesn’t drink coffee ?) were devoted to the Nespresso machine initially, the thing rapidly lost its appeal. While foamy as promised, the coffee is acrid. I mean, it tastes like it’s been drained from batteries.

The pod system is confusing, too. Each flavor has a name that sounds like “gelato,” and I can’t tell the difference between any of them, since they’re labeled not with words but with stripes and colors. Why they opted for this complex striping system I don’t know.

No amount of foam can make up for coffee that threatens to eat away your upper lip, or whose flavors are needlessly shrouded in mystery.

Ross brought this in a couple months ago, along with a grinder and a bag of beans. Without a doubt, this coffeemaker reigns supreme in terms of taste. Its only downside is you have to wait several minutes for your coffee instead of 45 seconds. You’d think someone would invent some gadget to speed up this process?

A new arrival, our canister of instant coffee sits between the Keurig and the Nespresso, as if trying to prove it belongs. I’m not sure if anyone drinks it, or if it was supposed to be ironic. Maybe one of my coworkers can comment with the instant coffee’s origin story.

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful National Coffee Day! No need to celebrate at GetPhound, where every day is an homage to coffee.

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